I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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