and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
