Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
