Please, let me fuck your mom
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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