My Higher Power is John Stamos
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
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