My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
