He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
