Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
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i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
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Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.