Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
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I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
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Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
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