let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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