so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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