to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
