I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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