i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
