Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
