I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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