dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
