Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
