you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
