A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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