I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
