I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
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I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
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I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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