paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
