I accidentally had phone sex last night
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
