Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
