Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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