A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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