I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
