I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
