K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I didn't notice because vodka
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
