I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
