You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
