You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
