Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
