I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
