I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
