im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
