He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
