I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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