i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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