he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
