wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
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There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
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Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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