I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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