dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
