i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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