The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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