i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
bring money and cleavage
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
