He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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