whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
