from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
