I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
