I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
